My baby is 11 months old in five days…where did the time go?!
I cannot believe my baby boy is so grown up and such an independent toddler. I feel as though I have missed so much. Being a working Mama is a constant struggle and I feel pretty low about it right now and the realisation I have missed so much of my sons first year of life.
I have wanted to be a mother since I can remember – from a young age I literally said I was born to be a mother. In life there were many times my maternal instinct kicked in around friends, coworkers and even at times when I felt other family members needed me to be strong and loving, like a mama.
When I found out I was pregnant with Ben I knew I had to work to provide a good life for him but the reality was much harder for me than I thought. During pregnancy I used to have nightmares about leaving my newborn and would cry during shifts when I felt tired and under pressure.
During my maternity leave I felt as though I had a clock ticking and counting down the time I had until I had to leave to start work again. Being 11 days overdue stressed me out as I thought “damn that is 11 days I could of spent with him”. It was a bitter sweet few months of what life must be like for stay at home mums.
I cant even begin to explain how I felt during my first shift back when he was 3 months and one day old. So now many months have passed and it may have gotten easier to leave (and not cry every shift) but the guilt has gotten worse. To try and relate to other mothers in the same situation I went on a working mamas forum as I thought it would help but apparently when I tried to discuss my feelings I was met with a lot rude comments.
“Just quit your job and stay at home”, “if you really wanted to be a stay at home mum you would be one” and my favourite was “your son really needs you at home”. Some people cannot fathom that in order to give my son the best in life both me and my fiance have to work. In order to save for a house we both have to work. And to even move to a new country and away from earthquakes we both had to work damn hard to get here.Many working mothers get a bashing about working to support their family when working dads do it all the time.
I think some people in my personal life judge the fact I work full time and that hurts my feelings a lot as people you know thinking badly of you is way worse of a feeling than strangers doing it. All I can say to them (and whoever else is reading this who thinks I am not a great parent) is I have tried my absolute best to help my son and as much as I tried to think of a way, there was no chance I could of not worked.
I do not think I will keep trying to explain it to people as it never seems to make its way through thick brains but Ben is the only person who can really judge me for the situation (when he is older) and I just hope I can explain to him why I missed out on so much and make it up to him.
I do not know why I really wrote this.It simply is a tired, stressed and upset (full time) working mums Saturday night blog rant. I am sure I will feel better tomorow.
But then Tuesday will roll around and I will be working for six days.